Bill Harper on the Net

Remember the song, “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands”?  Well, don’t expect to hear a lot of clapping from Australian workers, and not just because they can’t decide if they’re happy or not. 

According to a recent survey, nearly half of them think they have a bad boss, low pay, or a job that a trained monkey could do.  (Unless they work in management, in which case the trained monkey is already doing it.)

And I’m proud to say that Queensland is number one yet again, with more disgruntled workers than any other state in the country.  In fact, we’re a full seven percent more disgruntled than the national average.  And people say we’re not good at anything.

A quarter of the people surveyed said they thought about changing jobs every day, and half of those people were actively looking for new employment.  For some people it’s the most active thing they’ve done in years.

If you’re one of these people, then I’ve found the perfect job for you.  Your new boss is definitely good, and it’s probably the most challenging work you’ll ever do.  About the only downside is it doesn’t pay much, if anything.  Oh, and you’ll have to join the priesthood, which might not go down well with the boys at the pub.

So what’s the job?  Exorcist.  That’s right, the whole head spinning, projectile vomiting experience.  And you thought some of your clients were hard to deal with!

Here in Queensland we’ve got a priest who says he performs at least one exorcism a fortnight, with most of them being done at the Gold Coast.  (If you’ve ever been there during Schoolies Week, you’ll understand why.)  But the situation is getting worse, and you can help.

The Catholic Church has vowed to fight this evil by training hundreds of priests as exorcists.  Father Gabriele Amorth, the Pope’s Exorcist-in-Chief (which must be the coolest job title ever) announced the recruitment drive because people are starting to dabble in the occult the way they dabble in the stock market.  (Insert your own “getting burned” joke here.)

According to Father Amorth, “you have to hunt high and low for a proper, trained exorcist”.  So not only are they keen to recruit new people, they also don’t have any height restrictions.

The Queensland priest says it’s frightening what can happen when you “invite entities into your life which are not meant to be part of God’s world”.  Sounds like he’s just as sick of telemarketers as the rest of us.

So how about it?  You’ll get your own uniform, bible, and all the holy water you can flick at someone.

And for once you’ll get to leave a meeting with someone else’s head spinning.

Okay, this time the scientists have gone too far.

We all thought it was cute when they created Dolly the sheep back in 1997. We didn’t care that she was cloned. We couldn’t really tell anyway, because all sheep look pretty much the same except to New Zealanders.

But now they’ve well and truly crossed the line between what is acceptable and what should only be read about in a Stephen King novel. Of course, I’m talking about the cloning of ‘Booger’.

Booger is, or rather was (but may soon be again), the beloved pitbull of a woman in California. According to an article in the Korea Times, Booger helped her cope with her disability, probably by making her laugh uncontrollably every time she called it.

Now she’s paying South Korean firm RNL Bio $US150,000 to bring him back. (Apparently there aren’t any ancient burial grounds nearby where she can do it herself.)

Apparently the woman had refrigerated the dog’s ear tissue, which explains why no-one ever came around for dinner. Scientists extracted cells from the tissue, inserted them into ova and impregnated eight bitches. Of course, if they all give birth successfully the woman could literally end up with a house full of Boogers.

The cloning will actually be done at the Seoul National University, which must be a hell of a lot more fun than dissecting frogs. They successfully cloned an Afghan hound named Snuffy back in 2005, proving they have what it takes to re-create pets given stupid names by their owners.

According to company CEO Ra Jeongchan, they’re expecting around 500 orders from rich pet lovers in the US and elsewhere over the next few years. And that’s why we’ve got to act fast. We have to stop them going ahead with their plans, before the world is overrun by fluffy poodles and chihuahuas named Tinkerbell.

But not before Stephen King finishes his next book.

Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an out-of-control spy satellite!

And if that wasn’t exciting enough, it’s the size of a bus and loaded with toxic fuel called hydrazine that “could injure or kill people near it when it hits the ground”. Unlike the satellite itself, which will obviously just give you a slight concussion as it bounces off your head like a coconut.

The satellite was launched in December 2006 carrying a “secret” imaging sensor, which means you’ll be able to read all about it in Who magazine. Unfortunately its central computer failed almost immediately, making it the first reported crash of Windows Vista.

President Bush has ordered the Pentagon to shoot it down with a missile. It wasn’t his first option, but Bruce Willis refused to land on the satellite and attach a “nucular weapon” to it.

Naturally the world is now up in arms (ha!), accusing the US of starting an anti-satellite weapons program that could potentially wipe out their access to Oprah specials.

According to General James Cartwright, vice presidents of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, they’re going to take one shot and see how they fared. “This is the first time we’re used a tactical missile to engage a spacecraft,” he said, though he can usually get into the high score table on Missile Command.

Personally I think it’s all a hoax, though they’re still welcome to take out whatever satellite gives us Jerry Springer. Let’s face it: hydrazine just sounds made up. No, I think they’re firing the missile to make Australians think twice before jumping on a plane and heading over.

Australia has just signed an open-skies agreement with the US, which means the airlines will be able to fly planes back and forth as often as they like (at least until they ran out of fuel). The airfares will soon be low enough for the average Australian to fly to the US without the risk of sobering up on the way.

Virgin Blue chief executive Brett Godfrey has promised “silly” fares on their new low-cost carrier V Australia, where the planes all run on highly-caffeinated soft drinks. (Airfares currently range from “crazy” to “ridiculous”.)

We’ve already had a taste of cheap airfares in Australia, with some domestic flights costing as little as one cent (the cost of preparing the in-flight meal). So you can bet once the airfares to the States become similarly cheap, Australians will be herding onto planes faster than you can say “Bindi Irwin”.

For those of you over in the US, enjoy the month or so you’ve got left before we all start heading over. And then head to the nearest bar and order yourself a really strong drink.

Say, hydrazine and coke.