Bill Harper on the Net

For someone I work with, tomorrow will not be a good Friday. Two of her relatives are having birthdays, and she’ll have to battle the Easter crowds to find a suitable gift. (”No, it’s not an Easter egg. It’s a shiny ornament you put on your mantle. Just make sure you keep the room nice and cool.”)

Even without Easter, it would still be a nightmare. It’s bad enough trying to think up a suitable gift for one person. But when you’ve got a few of them in quick succession, it makes you wish you were an orphan. If someone started offering cheap adoption papers over the Internet instead of university degrees, they’d make a fortune.

I’m sure everyone has their own horror stretch when it comes to gift buying. Mine is from mid-August to early September, when most of my relatives have birthdays. (Fortunately I met Lynda, who is brilliant at finding the perfect gift for people.) But I can’t complain too much, because at the end of the year they have to get me something for both Christmas and my birthday, which falls three days before.

The sad thing is, once I get past those few frantic weeks, my calendar is pretty much empty. I can go for months without having to buy anyone anything, unless Hallmark decides to cash in on ANZAC day. (”Wow! A machine gun. How thoughtful.”)

And it’s not just me. Everyone I’ve talked to about it has the same issue, just at different times of the year. Unfortunately I doubt the authorities will let people legally change their birthdays the way they change their name by Deed Poll because everyone would suddenly become 30 years younger.

And that’s when it hit me: that’s why we have horoscopes. If someone’s attracted to you because you’re a Pisces, it’s not because they think you’re trustworthy and understanding. It’s because they don’t have anything on from mid-February to mid-March and so will have plenty of time to choose your birthday present.

It may seem a bit shallow, but before you end the relationship, look at the bright side. You’ll get some really great presents from this person, though I’d be worried if you see them walking into a gun shop.

Tonight I joined a gym. Sorry, “fitness centre”.

However, unlike those people who joined to fulfil one of their New Years resolutions (”Spend a fortune joining a club I’ll never actually set foot in”), I’m not going there to lose weight. Believe me, I need to keep what little weight I have so I don’t blow away in strong winds. No, the plan is to actually bulk up a little by lifting weights and potentially causing myself serious injury. For the first few months most of the “bulk” will probably be “swelling”.

When I lived in Canberra I was a bit of a “fitness centre” junkie (though I hid it well), and I’m looking forward to getting back into it. I just hope they’ve worked out a way to increase muscle mass without having to sacrifice brain cells. At least that’s how it seemed to work back then. That’s why everyone in the room grunted — they’d already lost whatever part of the brain controls language.

Tonight, however, I didn’t get near a machine. Instead they gave me an endurance test — filling out the forms.

For those of you who’ve never set foot inside a fitness centre (or only did because you thought they had a vending machine), here’s what’s involved.

First there’s the “Membership agreement” form, where you agree to join up for a year and prove you are insane. There are lots of ticks, crosses, dates and numbers, all bearing my signature. I’m not sure if I’ve joined a “fitness centre” or approved the invasion of some foreign country.

Next is the “Personal Health Check” form, where you tick more boxes to prove you don’t suffer from any injuries or illnesses, or at least won’t admit to it. Just in case you are lying, they also make you sign an “Acknowledgement Release and Assumption of Risk” form which basically says it’s your fault if they find you wrapped around the treadmill like George Jetson.

And finally there’s the “Direct Debit Request (DDR) & Contract” form where you let them know which bank account is most likely to have something in it when the fortnightly payment is due. It also tells you how much it will cost should you get your sanity back and try to get out of the deal.

Despite all this, I’m feeling very positive about the whole thing. In fact, even though it’s only my first night I can see results already.

My writing hand is swelling up nicely.