Based on extensive research (i.e. watching the final scene in Bridget Jones’s diary), I know England is a pretty cold place, especially in winter. That’s why they were so keen to get the 2012 Olympic Games — they’ll be able to stand around the Olympic Torch and get some feeling back in their limbs.
It may also explain why they have so many smokers, although how they can light a cigarette with their hands shaking is anyone’s guess. I suspect a lot of people accidentally set themselves alight, and then become surrounded by dozens of bystanders trying to warm up.
But if you think they’re suffering enough already, then you’re obviously not a member of the British government.
Professor Julian Le Grand, chairman of Health England (the perfect definition of “oxymoron”), wants to charge smokers $20 a year to buy tobacco. Under the new scheme, smokers will have to apply for a permit, complete with photo ID, before they can buy cigarettes.
My guess is the permit will say something like, “This person is willing to stand in sub-zero temperatures and risk setting themselves alight. For goodness sake, give them some cigarettes!”
If you think it’s a cruel blow for the smokers, spare a thought for the poor bureaucrat who’ll have to take the photos. “Okay, now face this way… No, don’t smile!”
And I’m sure retailers would be just as horrified by the photos of nicotine-stained teeth. It may well become the first system where you can only get what you’re after if you don’t show ID.
Fortunately for Queensland smokers, it will only happen here if all states and territories agree, which is about as likely as John Howard saying ‘Sorry’. Instead, the Queensland Cancer Council thinks we should make it illegal to smoke in cars containing children.
This is a great idea, and not just because they’ll rake in a lot more than $20 a year in fines. If it doesn’t stop people smoking, it will eliminate childhood obesity as the kids are forced to run alongside the car whenever their parents light up. “Hurry up, Tommy, or I’ll be late for work!”
If it were my decision, I’d revive the exploding cigar joke and put one or two exploding cigarettes in each pack. Not only would it make some people think twice before lighting up, it would also provide some much-needed entertainment for passers-by.
But for now it’s a smoker’s paradise here in Queensland, where the sound of fun and laughter is punctuated by someone hacking up a lung.
So if you live in England, and would like to smoke without having to wear flame-retardant clothing, come on over. But if you’re bringing the kids with you, make sure they have a decent pair of running shoes.