Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an out-of-control spy satellite!
And if that wasn’t exciting enough, it’s the size of a bus and loaded with toxic fuel called hydrazine that “could injure or kill people near it when it hits the ground”. Unlike the satellite itself, which will obviously just give you a slight concussion as it bounces off your head like a coconut.
The satellite was launched in December 2006 carrying a “secret” imaging sensor, which means you’ll be able to read all about it in Who magazine. Unfortunately its central computer failed almost immediately, making it the first reported crash of Windows Vista.
President Bush has ordered the Pentagon to shoot it down with a missile. It wasn’t his first option, but Bruce Willis refused to land on the satellite and attach a “nucular weapon” to it.
Naturally the world is now up in arms (ha!), accusing the US of starting an anti-satellite weapons program that could potentially wipe out their access to Oprah specials.
According to General James Cartwright, vice presidents of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, they’re going to take one shot and see how they fared. “This is the first time we’re used a tactical missile to engage a spacecraft,” he said, though he can usually get into the high score table on Missile Command.
Personally I think it’s all a hoax, though they’re still welcome to take out whatever satellite gives us Jerry Springer. Let’s face it: hydrazine just sounds made up. No, I think they’re firing the missile to make Australians think twice before jumping on a plane and heading over.
Australia has just signed an open-skies agreement with the US, which means the airlines will be able to fly planes back and forth as often as they like (at least until they ran out of fuel). The airfares will soon be low enough for the average Australian to fly to the US without the risk of sobering up on the way.
Virgin Blue chief executive Brett Godfrey has promised “silly” fares on their new low-cost carrier V Australia, where the planes all run on highly-caffeinated soft drinks. (Airfares currently range from “crazy” to “ridiculous”.)
We’ve already had a taste of cheap airfares in Australia, with some domestic flights costing as little as one cent (the cost of preparing the in-flight meal). So you can bet once the airfares to the States become similarly cheap, Australians will be herding onto planes faster than you can say “Bindi Irwin”.
For those of you over in the US, enjoy the month or so you’ve got left before we all start heading over. And then head to the nearest bar and order yourself a really strong drink.
Say, hydrazine and coke.