Bill Harper on the Net

Football season starts next month, and the players are busy with their pre-season drills: kicking, marking, and getting their shorts as tight as possible without their voices jumping six octaves.

But this year players in the AFL will be learning more than just ball skills. They’ll also be learning how to improve their attitude towards women. According to an article by Michael Davis in The Australian, the AFL is producing an interactive DVD to educate the players and increase their respect for women. And you thought the Lord of the Rings trilogy was long!

The DVD is part of the league’s respect and responsibility program (”collect the whole set”). Introduced three years ago, the program deals with such things as attitudes to women, racial vilification, illicit drugs and responsible gambling. Of course, most players have no idea what “vilification” means, but thanks to the program they should be able to spell it by the end of the season.

Collingwood Football Club president Eddie McGuire supports the DVD, probably so he be host if it becomes a TV show. (Eddie is the former host of Who wants to be a millionaire? Or as we call it, Who wants to look like a complete idiot on television by blowing a really simple question and losing a fortune?)

According to Eddie, “… young men come into football and they go from the year before not able to get a date for the social to suddenly half the nightclub throwing themselves at them”. I assume he means the women, because the men would be throwing their fists and the occasional beer glass (after draining it, of course).

So what’s on the DVD? According to the article it shows a number of scenarios, which the players are then asked questions about. The answers are multiple-choice, not only so the players can answer them before the season’s over, but also so they can say, “Lock in B, Eddie”.

In one scenario the player’s mate and his girlfriend are having sex. “You can see them. Do you: (A) watch or (B) not watch?” Of course the correct answer is: (C) yell out “Yes! Right between the sticks! Full points!”, and then run up and high-five him.

In another scenario, a player is with a girl who’s had too much to drink (her excuse for being with him in the first place, I guess). Anyway, the $64,000 question is, “Do you: (A) get her some water, (B) call her a taxi, or (C) take her back to your place for sex”. Here the correct answer is: (D) have sex in the taxi, although the players should get points if they choose (B), point to the girl and say, “You’re a taxi, you’re a taxi…”

Hopefully they’ll release the DVD commercially so non-footballers can also learn how to respect women (look for it in the comedy section). I have no idea what they’ll call it, though the obvious choice would be “Take control of your dick” to cater for both the players and their managers.

Until then, here are a few tips for all you men. Take her out to dinner (and not just to the all-you-can-eat buffet). Go see a movie together. And if she enjoys the opera, offer to go along with her.

Who knows? You might even see your favourite football player wearing his extra-tight shorts.

If you’ve always wanted a car you can drive into the ocean (and not just to claim the insurance), then you’re not alone.

Swiss car designer Frank Rinderknecht has dreamed of having one ever since he saw James Bond drive into the ocean in The Spy Who Loved Me. At least that’s what he’s telling us. He may have just been sick of getting his car towed out of the lake whenever he drove home from the pub.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie (and can’t find a copy on the Internet), Bond drives his Lotus Turbo Esprit into the ocean to escape from the evil villain Jaws, who wants the name of his orthodontist.

Anyway, Mr Rinderknecht has designed his own underwater car based on the Lotus Elise, presumably to make it more appealing to females. And if you think I’m going to make a joke about females and driving into water, then you obviously aren’t married.

The $A1.7m sQuba, so named because his keyboard wasn’t working properly, can reach speeds of 120km/h on land - even more if you’re a P plater. But when you drive it into water (”Just dipping the headlights!”) it floats and becomes a boat, though you’ll need to supply your own tackle and bait. Propellers on either side of the rear number plate push you along at up to 6km/h, which gives the crocodiles a bit of exercise before they start chewing off the tyres.

The real fun starts when you open one of the doors and the car starts to dive. Unlike Bond’s car, this one’s open-topped because Mr Rinderknecht couldn’t make it watertight. Instead, he’s fitted oxygen tanks behind the seats (oxygen sold separately) that you can use like a scuba tank. So depending on how fast you’re sinking… I mean diving, you’re got about a minute to fit the mouthpiece before you drown and become fish bait. (”Now available at your local pet store: Yuppies for Guppies.”)

I can’t see any mention of goggles, which means once people go underwater they’ll be driving with their eyes closed - the same as they do on the road.

According to the “fact file”, the car can dive to a maximum of 10 metres. I guess if you go any deeper the car sends its location to James Cameron for his next movie. (Be sure to wear a nice piece of jewellery.)

The target market is obviously rich parents whose teenagers like to get drunk, take the car for a spin and wind up in the backyard swimming pool. But if I had one I’d take it for a dive, then pull over somewhere and call roadside assistance. When the guy pulls up I’d open the car door and, ignoring the gallons of water pouring onto the road, say, “I think it’s flooded”.

And then I’d run like hell, because the crocodiles will be sick of rubber.

Based on extensive research (i.e. watching the final scene in Bridget Jones’s diary), I know England is a pretty cold place, especially in winter. That’s why they were so keen to get the 2012 Olympic Games — they’ll be able to stand around the Olympic Torch and get some feeling back in their limbs.

It may also explain why they have so many smokers, although how they can light a cigarette with their hands shaking is anyone’s guess. I suspect a lot of people accidentally set themselves alight, and then become surrounded by dozens of bystanders trying to warm up.

But if you think they’re suffering enough already, then you’re obviously not a member of the British government.

Professor Julian Le Grand, chairman of Health England (the perfect definition of “oxymoron”), wants to charge smokers $20 a year to buy tobacco. Under the new scheme, smokers will have to apply for a permit, complete with photo ID, before they can buy cigarettes.

My guess is the permit will say something like, “This person is willing to stand in sub-zero temperatures and risk setting themselves alight. For goodness sake, give them some cigarettes!”

If you think it’s a cruel blow for the smokers, spare a thought for the poor bureaucrat who’ll have to take the photos. “Okay, now face this way… No, don’t smile!”

And I’m sure retailers would be just as horrified by the photos of nicotine-stained teeth. It may well become the first system where you can only get what you’re after if you don’t show ID.

Fortunately for Queensland smokers, it will only happen here if all states and territories agree, which is about as likely as John Howard saying ‘Sorry’. Instead, the Queensland Cancer Council thinks we should make it illegal to smoke in cars containing children.

This is a great idea, and not just because they’ll rake in a lot more than $20 a year in fines. If it doesn’t stop people smoking, it will eliminate childhood obesity as the kids are forced to run alongside the car whenever their parents light up. “Hurry up, Tommy, or I’ll be late for work!”

If it were my decision, I’d revive the exploding cigar joke and put one or two exploding cigarettes in each pack. Not only would it make some people think twice before lighting up, it would also provide some much-needed entertainment for passers-by.

But for now it’s a smoker’s paradise here in Queensland, where the sound of fun and laughter is punctuated by someone hacking up a lung.

So if you live in England, and would like to smoke without having to wear flame-retardant clothing, come on over. But if you’re bringing the kids with you, make sure they have a decent pair of running shoes.